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Learning the job of parent

Fearing she could hurt her children, one mother called for help

Erica F. Curless  •  Staff writer
Published April 18, 2008

Lori Malin sits with her children Stephen, 7, and Sammi, 10, at their Coeur d'Alene home recently. Their family has received in-home visits and lessons in parenting from ICARE. The Spokesman-Review (KATHY PLONKA The Spokesman-Review) For more information about ICARE, go to www.icareprogram.org or call (208) 676-1515. Call to action Support the Our Kids: Our Business campaign by signing the Call to Action pledge. A PDF of the form is available at spokesmanreview.com/ ourkids/pledge. Signers' names will appear in the newspaper starting Sunday.

There's a hole in Lori Malin's basement wall caused by a fit of rage and a flying plastic toy.

The puncture – left unpatched on purpose – is a reminder of the Coeur d'Alene mother's previous life, when she feared hurting her children and destroying her family with anger, insecurity and a shortage of parenting skills. That was the tumultuous life Malin left behind in October 2001 when she called ICARE Child and Family Advocacy Center, a nonprofit child-abuse prevention program in Kootenai County.

"I think I would have hurt my kids," Malin said. "My children would have been abused by me."

Malin seemed unfazed recently as her rambunctious youngsters showed off for visitors, crawling on the couch, wrestling and chasing their two yappy Jack Russell terriers.

As Malin told her story, 7-year-old Stephen ran his fingers through his mother's hair.

"You guys don't yell anymore," Stephen said, apparently confused by the screaming and spanking his mother described.

Stephen was an infant when Malin pictured herself throwing her wailing 4-year-old daughter across the room. Sammi Malin, now 10, was in a full temper tantrum, behavior that always escalated when Lori Malin reacted. Depressed, grieving her recently deceased mother and struggling with her husband's own demons, Malin raged.

"I was screaming back at her, and I remember feeling that I could pick up this little child and throw her across the room," Malin said. "I envisioned it. It was one of the scariest moments I had ever had as a parent."

Malin called a friend from her 12-step program. The friend suggested she contact ICARE, and a worker from the organization visited the Malins' home the next day. It was the first of two years of in-home visits that provided Malin and her husband, Dave, with strategies for parenting, managing their finances and even going on dates as a couple.

"We are in a unique position to see their lives and see what else they may need," said Beth Barclay, ICARE executive director. "It gives us an opportunity to hook them up with various resources."

In-home visits are the core of the ICARE program, which also offers other parenting courses.

Barclay said the goal is for families to learn parenting and problem-solving skills. The ultimate goal is to prevent child abuse.

"They gave me tools I didn't have before," Malin said. "I learned it was OK to go lock myself in the bathroom and get away from the kids."

Dave Malin said he was surprised by ICARE workers' commitment to his family.

"The changes were really great," he said. "The kids really responded to it."

ICARE was founded in 1992. The center's services are free to anyone; there are no financial qualifications or age limits for children.

In 2007, the program provided in-home visits to 52 families and 109 children. More than 270 people attended ICARE parenting classes, and 845 families participated in Dinner and a Book events, the result of collaboration with local elementary schools.

ICARE teaches parents to communicate calmly and clearly with children, redirect them without losing control and handle stress in positive ways.

Besides the in-home visits, the Malins participated in the six-week Love and Logic program that gives parents tools to use right away. The program emphasizes making good choices and living with the consequences of mistakes.

ICARE also offers a fathers-only class and an eight-week parent education and support group.

Malin said ICARE made her confident as a parent, which also brought confidence to other aspects of her life – helping her to lose 60 pounds and start taking classes at North Idaho College. It's improved her relationships with her children and husband.

"I still slip up and yell," she said. "But I make my amends. Before, I never would have apologized."

Malin grew up in an alcoholic home and married Dave when she was 26, becoming an "instant mom" to his daughter Sara, now 16.

"I didn't have any skills," she said. "I didn't know what to do with kids."

The new family lived in the Lake Tahoe area, worked at casinos and partied too much. Soon Malin was pregnant with Sammi, and the family moved to North Idaho.

"My kids would have a tantrum and I would have one 10 times worse," Malin said. "I would throw things, spank them, yell at the top of my lungs."

She was ashamed. "So many people don't know it's OK to reach out for help," she said. "You shouldn't feel ashamed."